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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Screw Fox, or: "Sunshine" bombed, and it's all your fault!

I didn't have expectations for "Sunshine", one of my most awaited movies of the summer, to break any box office records this past weekend. But holy Moses on a pogo stick, I never expected it to do this awful!

Obviously "The Simpsons Movie" was guaranteed to take up a chunk of the box office total, and I'm happy it did so well (while being simultaneously happy that "I Know Who Killed Me" bombed so terribly). But what the fuck? "Sunshine" didn't even make the top ten?!

What is wrong with people??

Or better yet, WHAT IS WRONG WITH FOX?????

Note: You can tell I mean business because I used caps and multiple question marks. I'm fucking hardcore like that.

After a pathetic 10 theater limited opening, and the proceeding (equally pathetic) 400 theater wide release, it seemed the incredibly talented Danny Boyle was getting shunned once again in the U.S. "That's ok," I thought. "After the success of '28 Days Later', he's sure to find an audience. Plus, the film had a kickass trailer, filled with stunning visuals like these..."

C'mon now. That's fucking beautiful. What else do people need? A good story? Yeah, you do?

Read it and weep!

Fifty years from now, the sun is dying, and mankind is dying with it. Our last hope: a spaceship and a crew of eight men and women. They carry a device which will breathe new life into the star. But deep into their voyage, out of radio contact with Earth, their mission is starting to unravel.

Reigniting the goddamn sun. Doesn't get much cooler than that. What, that doesn't satisfy you? You want good actors too?

Baam! You got 'em!

Aside from Cillian Murphy and Chris Evans, you may not be entirely familiar with these actors' work, but I can guarantee you've seen them before (even if you can't pinpoint exactly where). Rest assured, they're very talented.

Not enough for you?

Here. Have some more screenshots.

If you want to be even more impressed, go see the movie. It's one of the best sci-fi flicks since 2001, and has some of the most breathtaking visuals I've ever seen put on film. It's also got about half a dozen thrilling action sequences, so prepare to have your ass kicked all over the theater (in the best way possible).

But whatever you do, DO NOT check out the latest disaster of Fox's marketing campaign. If you've already seen the film, feel free to grimace in disgust at the official "Sunshine" site to see what I'm talking about... (Scroll down a little and look to the left.)

I can't quite explain what I'm so pissed about without spoiling the film, but I guess if you've seen a TV spot or online ad of it recently, you've probably already had the film spoiled for you anyway.

Because apparently, Fox's ingenious scheme behind the movie is to reveal exactly what happens to the characters. That's right, they've actually turned spoiling a film into the marketing for it as well. Harry Potter haters would be proud.

In fact, maybe Warner Bros. will follow suit when releasing The Half-Blood Prince, tagging each trailer with "_____ kills __________!" in huge white text (except replacing the blanks with the actual names, obviously - I think you all know who I'm talking about). That'll teach those fucking moviegoers for paying up their hard-earned cash! The pricks!

So if you were an unfortunate victim of the spoiler-y tactics of Fox's shitty advertising team, I apologize on behalf of them. Don't let it sway you from watching the movie though. Even if you know what happens, the quality of the film is still high enough to overcome whatever those masterminds over at Fox are willing to throw at you.

Well, what are you waiting for? Click HERE to find movie showtimes for "Sunshine" near you!

P.S. Nobody paid me to promote this film. It's just really fucking good.


Tuesday, July 24, 2007

DVD REVIEW(S): Update #3

Here's a collection of my latest DVD reviews, the most recent being PERFUME: THE STORY OF A MURDERER, THE ASTRONAUT FARMER, THE LAST MIMZY, and THE MANHATTAN PROJECT (SE)...

You can find the rest of my reviews at:

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer The Last Mimzy The Astronaut Farmer

The Manhattan Project (SE) Fantastic Four (SE) The Hustler (SE)

Cannes: All Access Slingshot Apocalypto

The 40 Year Old Virgin (SE) Arthur and the Invisibles

And once again, don't forget to check out the rest of my DVD reviews at:


Friday, July 13, 2007

Jason Lee has no shame.

I thought the original poster was missing something, so I updated it.


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

REVIEW: License to Wed

License to Wed
Bad to the point of frustration, the writers of LICENSE TO WED obviously took a course on how to make every character in a film as annoying as humanly possible.

The only person who almost redeems himself is John Krasinksi, but that's down to his credit alone, as the actual character he's stuck with playing is a spineless pathetic loser. Mandy Moore is a good actress, but there's nothing worthwhile about her here. She's a ditzy bore, and the way her character blindly follows everything Williams' asks of the couple is almost obnoxious in its unbelievability. If that weren't enough, the chemistry between the lead characters constantly switches between flat and tense, never once actually showing why the couple make a good match (or why we should care).

As for Robin Williams, I don't even know what to say. If his past acting roles haven't made you dislike the guy's comedy yet, this movie will sure change that. The only person more annoying than him is young Josh Flitter, Williams' boy assistant (quite the bizarre relationship they got going there). This movie delivers excellent evidence for why I ranked Flitter #5 on my list for the Top Ten Most Annoying Kid Actors.

Those looking for some awkwardly hilarious comedy (such as what can be found in "The Office") will be sorely disappointed. Every scenario and gag feels forced to the point of frustration, oftentimes giving you the urge to punch Williams in the face. And before that urge can subside, you'll notice yourself wanting to also punch the other characters too (thanks to the unbelievably poor judgment they exude when forced to respond to Williams asinine tests). Once again, Krasinski almost makes it work... but doesn't.

I'd also discuss the excruciatingly clich├ęd sentimental bullshit that spews across the screen about two thirds in, but I'm having a hard time doing that while also tying a noose around my neck.

What a lousy fucking movie.

2 out of 10


Saturday, July 07, 2007

Movies That Make Me Lose Faith in Humanity


Tuesday, July 03, 2007

REVIEW: Transformers

An exhausting but extremely entertaining experience, filled with some absolutely breathtaking action sequences and flawless CGI. The plot is at times beyond stupid, but c'mon, it's "Transformers" - what did you expect? Robots beating the shit out of other robots: this is what I paid to see, and I got it!

Shia LaBeouf is the only non-robot related highlight of the film, which is perfectly fine considering how awesome the robots end up being. He adds heart and emotional investment into a film that otherwise would've been completely soulless. Whenever he was on-screen, I found myself interested and immersed in the goings-ons of the basically worthless story. And then when the Autobots finally join up with him, shit just gets twenty times more entertaining.

I can see a lot of people hating the humor and laughable dialogue, but those things rarely bothered me. The only thing that actually bugged me was the excessive amount of actors who really served no purpose in the film, other than to stuff even more useless plot points into the damn thing. Very unnecessary, and sometimes incredibly annoying (Tyrese and Anthony Anderson come to mind).

Something else that I expect others may not be ready for is just how unbelievably geeky/dorky/campy/cheesy the flick is. Think of it as "The Iron Giant" by way of "Small Soldiers". This goofy quality was something I felt added fully to the experience, as it allowed Michael Bay to stay true to the original "Transformers" style. Non-fans, however, may not be as thrilled by the choice.

That aside, the rest of the movie is just a fucking blast for any and all action lovers out there. The final 30 minutes in particular are just mind-blowingly cool, with sensational robot battles abound. Fun fuckin' times!

8 out of 10


REVIEW: Ratatouille

After the major disappointment of "Cars", Pixar comes back in full form with Brad Bird's latest animated masterpiece. Simply put, the man's a genius.

I had no interest in this film originally (other than it being Pixar, and under Bird's name), so it was quite a surprise to find myself as captivated by it as I was. The characters are handled perfectly, and the slapstick humor is executed in fun and creative ways. The picture even manages to include a number of stunning action sequences, proving once and for all that Bird and his team can take even the most tired elements and do something exciting with them.

The film is also refreshingly deep, featuring a combination of mature adult themes and a wonderfully handled message for the younguns (unlike the usual stock messages that most family-oriented films provide).

Like "The Incredibles" and "The Iron Giant" before it (both directed by Bird), there's a balance struck here that allows people of all ages to appreciate what the film has to offer. The kids will love the silly characters, energetic sequences, and goofy gags, while the older audience members can enjoy those very same elements (since they're handled in a way that's not at all condescending), plus much more. In particular, the writing is sensational, adding a non-stop series of hilarious moments to the mix without sacrificing character development or a strong story.

Brad Bird sure knows how to make a classy picture. This is one for the ages.

9 out of 10


REVIEW: Live Free or Die Hard

Live Free or Die Hard
Mother of God, this movie was a non-stop adrenaline rush of action sequence upon action sequence, and I loved every second of it. I doubt the movie could be any more ridiculous (especially with that hilarious hacking bullshit), but for some reason, I was having so much fun that I didn't care.

Bruce Willis is back in top form as the wise-cracking McClane, laughing off the prospect of death whenever it's near (which is a lot). This guy's no longer just a normal dude who's been thrown into a horrible situation. He's a fucking superhero. The final half hour of this film confirms this, with quite possibly the most over-the-top action sequence I've ever witnessed. But really, you'll have decided way before that point if you're willing to simply have fun and "go with" the outrageousness of what's happening. For me, it was an easy choice.

As far as comic relief goes, there's a lot. I mean, McClane himself is sort of comical character. Justin Long is the contrast to Willis' ass-kickin' character, a terrified hacker who stutters a lot and is completely unready for what's coming his way. I know a lot of people see Long as nothing more than "that annoying Mac guy", but I've always liked him. And here, he plays opposite Willis perfectly. Half way through the film though, Kevin Smith pops up as another comic character. It's a little bit overkill, but then again, so is the rest of the film. If you like Smith (which I totally do), it probably won't bother you too much.

Olyphant doesn't exactly have his work cut out for him when it comes to playing the bad guy, seeing as how it's sort of hard to beat Alan Rickman. Still, he does a decent job holding his own; could've been a bit more menacing though. (Still not sure how he's gonna pull off "Hitman".)

For a PG-13, the violence here was insanely hardcore. The only aspect of the film that felt toned down was the language, which led to some moments of horrendous dubbing (I get the feeling there was a lot of cursing they had to take out). Rest assured though, they'll probably have this fixed up for the unrated cut when the flick hits DVD. And I'll definitely be buying it.

7 out of 10