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Friday, October 19, 2007

I'm going to kill myself.



As if there wasn't reason enough to hate Hollywood, some fuckhead studio executive greenlit this. It's "Meet the Spartans," the latest parade of hilarity from the writers/directors of such wittily titled pictures as "Date Movie" and "Epic Movie."


Not even caps lock is capable of conveying just how strongly I feel about rounding up the filmmakers responsible for this film (specifically, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer) and ferociously beating their heads in with spike-covered mallets.


The concept: a spoof of "300." Simple enough, and potentially funny if handled appropriately.

The execution: a title that references a seven year old movie ("Meet the Parents"), jokes that have nothing to do with the film at hand, Spartans break dancing in a reference to "You Got Served" and "Stomp the Yard," a scene mocking Britney Spears (like she doesn't do that enough herself already), and Method Man... all of which is delivered in a way that quite literally rapes your brain cells with its horrifying stupidity.


This is not a parody! This is not comedy! This is not even a real movie! And most of all, THIS IS NOT SPARTA!

...OK, yeah, that joke was bad, but I feel even worse having just subjected you to that mind-numbingly atrocious preview. I actually feel worse than if it had been a video of goatse or tubgirl or something.


To make up for it, here's an infinitely more funny parody of "300" that you've probably already seen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNqiSkd1M6k

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Friday, August 10, 2007

Bloodrayne 2 has smart advertising.

Oh boy, Bloodrayne 2 is coming out soon! I'm psyched! Even more exciting than that though, is their amazing promo page...

(Click to enlarge)

Hmmm. Let's take a closer look.


There's no fucking wa- Hey, what's that asterisk for?


Oh. Wow. That's just... sad.

Thanks to Brett Arnold for the heads up!

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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Screw Fox, or: "Sunshine" bombed, and it's all your fault!

I didn't have expectations for "Sunshine", one of my most awaited movies of the summer, to break any box office records this past weekend. But holy Moses on a pogo stick, I never expected it to do this awful!


Obviously "The Simpsons Movie" was guaranteed to take up a chunk of the box office total, and I'm happy it did so well (while being simultaneously happy that "I Know Who Killed Me" bombed so terribly). But what the fuck? "Sunshine" didn't even make the top ten?!

What is wrong with people??

Or better yet, WHAT IS WRONG WITH FOX?????

Note: You can tell I mean business because I used caps and multiple question marks. I'm fucking hardcore like that.

After a pathetic 10 theater limited opening, and the proceeding (equally pathetic) 400 theater wide release, it seemed the incredibly talented Danny Boyle was getting shunned once again in the U.S. "That's ok," I thought. "After the success of '28 Days Later', he's sure to find an audience. Plus, the film had a kickass trailer, filled with stunning visuals like these..."


C'mon now. That's fucking beautiful. What else do people need? A good story? Yeah, you do?

Read it and weep!

Fifty years from now, the sun is dying, and mankind is dying with it. Our last hope: a spaceship and a crew of eight men and women. They carry a device which will breathe new life into the star. But deep into their voyage, out of radio contact with Earth, their mission is starting to unravel.

Reigniting the goddamn sun. Doesn't get much cooler than that. What, that doesn't satisfy you? You want good actors too?

Baam! You got 'em!




Aside from Cillian Murphy and Chris Evans, you may not be entirely familiar with these actors' work, but I can guarantee you've seen them before (even if you can't pinpoint exactly where). Rest assured, they're very talented.

Not enough for you?

Here. Have some more screenshots.









If you want to be even more impressed, go see the movie. It's one of the best sci-fi flicks since 2001, and has some of the most breathtaking visuals I've ever seen put on film. It's also got about half a dozen thrilling action sequences, so prepare to have your ass kicked all over the theater (in the best way possible).

But whatever you do, DO NOT check out the latest disaster of Fox's marketing campaign. If you've already seen the film, feel free to grimace in disgust at the official "Sunshine" site to see what I'm talking about...
http://www.foxsearchlight.com/sunshine/ (Scroll down a little and look to the left.)

I can't quite explain what I'm so pissed about without spoiling the film, but I guess if you've seen a TV spot or online ad of it recently, you've probably already had the film spoiled for you anyway.

Because apparently, Fox's ingenious scheme behind the movie is to reveal exactly what happens to the characters. That's right, they've actually turned spoiling a film into the marketing for it as well. Harry Potter haters would be proud.

In fact, maybe Warner Bros. will follow suit when releasing The Half-Blood Prince, tagging each trailer with "_____ kills __________!" in huge white text (except replacing the blanks with the actual names, obviously - I think you all know who I'm talking about). That'll teach those fucking moviegoers for paying up their hard-earned cash! The pricks!

So if you were an unfortunate victim of the spoiler-y tactics of Fox's shitty advertising team, I apologize on behalf of them. Don't let it sway you from watching the movie though. Even if you know what happens, the quality of the film is still high enough to overcome whatever those masterminds over at Fox are willing to throw at you.

Well, what are you waiting for? Click HERE to find movie showtimes for "Sunshine" near you!

P.S. Nobody paid me to promote this film. It's just really fucking good.

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Saturday, July 07, 2007

Movies That Make Me Lose Faith in Humanity




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Saturday, June 23, 2007

Who's Your Caddy: Setting Back Society A Hundred Years


Let me get this straight... This movie features loud-mouth black people and pompous rich white guys duking it out over a golf club membership? OH, THE HILARITY!


And hey, be sure to check out the laugh riot trailer at Yahoo! Movies.

But just in case you aren't able to appreciate all of the clever jokes and subtle nuances, here's a sampling of this movie's apparent genius...









I don't think I've ever seen a trailer that made me contemplate suicide more than this one. It's practically a parody it's so bad.

Worse yet, the pathetically stereotypical "culture clash for the sake of comedy" premise has been dragged into the ground and stomped on repeatedly, but for some reason they're still using it in about a dozen films every year.

The only thing more annoying than this tired formula is when movies have old white women talking/acting like they're from the ghetto (which wasn't shown in this trailer, but I can almost guarantee they'll have in the actual film). It may have been funny in AIRPLANE! (since they actually did something clever with the gag), but it hasn't been since.

Seriously Hollywood, FUCKING STOP IT. I haven't even seen the film, and already my brain cells are dying.

And on that note, I'd like to offer up my thoughts on a more appropriate title for the film (not that WHO'S YOUR CADDY isn't a stroke of genius)...

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Sunday, June 17, 2007

Blatant DVD Cover Rip-Off

This has happened before. Some crappy little studio pumping out straight-to-DVD movies finds a cover they like, and then rips off the design.

But damn, this is just sad. It's exactly the same cover, from the scratches on the title down to the burning of the sepia tone colored background.



Thanks to Brett Arnold for pointing this thievery out to me.

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Thursday, June 07, 2007

I Am Legend Poster... Look Familiar?

ComingSoon.net recently unveiled the new poster for Will Smith's upcoming action epic, I Am Legend.


Look familiar? It should.



When is Hollywood gonna learn, using EXTENSIVE AMOUNTS OF GIANT TEXT is not the way to sell a product. It looks boring, desperate, and intrusive.


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