The 6 Best Bruce Campbell Movies You'll Never See
When it comes to B-level movie actors, Bruce Campbell is not the reigning champ. You see, with his godly chin and unsurpassed smartass mentality, he's much too awe-inspiring a figure to be categorized by mere levels and letters.
Of course, most people haven't yet discovered his greatness, the reason for which can be attributed solely to the blithering idiots in Hollywood suffering from the inability to remove their heads from their anuses. Because of this, we may never see the films that would ensure Bruce "The Chin" Campbell's place as the be-all and end-all cinema badass. These are those films.
6. THE EVIL DEAD Remake
"Evil Dead 2" was pretty much a remake of the first "Evil Dead" anyway. Why do we need another one?
Fuck you, that's why.
I'm not a big fan of all these remakes lately, but if there's one movie I wouldn't mind them redoing, it's "The Evil Dead." Imagine getting to see the origin of Ash, but with an actual budget and better costars. Imagine going to the theater and watching the cult classic we all love, but with an audience that has no idea what they're in for. Imagine the studios backing a movie featuring 'tree rape,' and the sequence actually getting past the censors. Well, stop imagining, because it's not gonna happen. And if it ever does, it will never be remade in the dementedly twisted way it deserves to be.
Potential awesomeness: 7 out of 10 chainsaws
Odds of it happening: 4 out of 10 chins
5. SPIDER-MAN 4
The rumor that Bruce Campbell would play the next Spidey villain, Mysterio, started with "Spider-Man 3." Word on the street was it would just be a cameo, and that he'd be expanded in the next film as a central foe.
The cameo never happened.
What does that mean for Mysterio in the next Spider-Man film? Nobody knows for sure. But with comments that Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire, and others may not even be returning for another outing, and that the studios may just reboot the franchise instead, it's all a little disheartening. If there's one person who would let Campbell do his thing, it's Raimi. Now, we may never get to see that happen.
Potential awesomeness: 7 out of 10 chainsaws
Odds of it happening (with Bruce): 3 out of 10 chins
4. MY NAME IS BRUCE
To be fair, you will eventually get the chance to see this movie (since it's already been made). You won't, however, get to see the movie it should've been.
The premise is genius: after being mistaken for his character Ash from the "Evil Dead" trilogy, actor Bruce Campbell finds him forced to fight real monsters in a small Oregon town. Anybody who doesn't get chills from reading that synopsis is not a real B-movie fan.
Now then, here's why it will sadly disappoint:
- It's directed by Bruce Campbell. I may love the actor, but anybody who's seen "Man with the Screaming Brain" would agree his directorial skills leave something to be desired. There's only one man who should be directing this film, and that's Sam Raimi.
- The budget is only $1.5 million. Budget may not mean everything ("The Evil Dead" only cost $350,000), but Campbell had a $2 million price tag on "Man with the Screaming Brain" and the thing looked like it cost no more than 20 bucks and some pocket lint.
- No studio has picked it up. This means we can expect a straight-to-DVD release, which is certainly not a sign of high quality. Then again, "Idiocracy" went straight-to-DVD, too. Hmm.
- Early reviews have not been flattering. For the most part, word of mouth has been positive, but it's more along the lines of, "Yeah, it's a pretty fun movie." And to be honest, I want more than just a "pretty fun" movie.
I'm crossing my fingers anyway though. As a loyal Bruce Campbell fan, I'll still be buying the film. Even if it sucks.
Potential awesomeness (if it had been made the way it should've been): 9 out of 10 chainsaws
Odds of it happening: 10 out of 10 chins
3. BUBBA NOSFERATU AND THE CURSE OF THE SHE-VAMPIRES
This one really stings. As it turns out, the movie's still happening... just not with Bruce. Due to "creative differences" between Campbell and director Don Coscarelli (wait, it's not the studio's fault this time?), he has dropped from the production, and Coscarelli is looking for a replacement. Well, fuck that! If Campbell's not going to be Elvis, I don't even care anymore. I'd rather they didn't even make the damn thing.
What sucks even more about this is that Paul Giamatti was going to costar as Campbell's evil boss. Plus, the film's set in Vegas, and it's got she-vampires. Fuckin' she-vampires! How could you possibly have creative differences when your movie's got Elvis duking it out with she-vampires?
Potential awesomeness: 8 out of 10 chainsaws
Odds of it happening (with Bruce): 1 out of 10 chins
2. FREDDY VS. JASON VS. ASH
This was more of a fanboy dream than a real possibility to begin with, but c'mon! Think of the potential!
Freddy can enter and kill you in your dreams, has metal-clawed leather gloves, and wears a bitchin' fedora. Jason is a lumbering, unstoppable killing machine with one huge-ass machete. But Ash? He's the king, baby. He's got class. He's got style. He's got a chainsaw for a hand, a boomstick on his back, and snappy one-liners galore. Freddy and Jason are mere bitches in comparison.
If this movie got made, the only possible way to fuck it up would be to have Bruce wearing a tutu while Freddy and Jason got their nails done at a beauty parlor or something. Short of that, nothing could make this movie suck... if it ever got made, that is. Which it won't.
Now excuse me while I go cry.
Potential awesomeness: 10 out of 10 chainsaws
Odds of it happening: 0 out of 10 chins
1. EVIL DEAD 4
Fuck it, I don't need another remake. I just need more Ash. For the love of god, give me another adventure with Ash! Sam Raimi proved he's still got what it takes to make gloriously schlocky horror movie camp with that hospital scene in "Spider-Man 2," so now all he needs to do is focus that energy into one last outing with Bruce, and all will be well in the world.
Please. Do it for me. Do it for the people who continue to go to late night showings of the original trilogy. Do it for the people who went to the Bruce Campbell book signing of "If Chins Could Kill," and wasted money on "Man with the Screaming Brain." Do it for the people who bought every single fucking edition of the "Evil Dead" films that the studios continue to churn out (and for the suckers who will even buy the upcoming 3-Disc Ultimate Edition, like me).
Please. Do it for all of us.
Potential awesomeness: 9 out of 10 chainsaws
Odds of it happening: 5 out of 10 chins
BONUS PICK - DARKMAN
This flick hit theaters almost 20 years back, and quite frankly, was pretty damn awesome. Only one problem: where was Bruce? He actually does appear toward the end of the film in a very minor role, but he was originally supposed to be Darkman! Liam Neeson is a great actor and all, and he did solid work in the role, but every time I watch this film I can't help but wonder how much cooler it would've been had The Chin been in the starring role. (You can once again blame the studio for that one, by the way. They didn't think Campbell could carry the role, and said his name wasn't marketable enough. Bunch of douchebags.)
Labels: Top Ten Lists
Bruce was the French waiter in the proposal scene in Spider-man 3.
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:32 AM
a cross over with Army of Darkness and Trancers. It would be called Ash to ashes and done to Deth
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:36 AM
By the way, Evil Dead 2 was NOT a remake of Evil Dead 1. Sam Raimi were unable to get the rights to show clips for a summary of Evil Dead 1 so he used the first 15 minutes of Evil Dead 2 to go over the plot again. The "original" plot of Evil Dead 2 picks up with the "evil" attacking Ash by going through the cabin, exactly the same as Evil Dead 1. So there ya go.
Posted by
Michael |
5:37 AM
Brother, I couldn't have said it any better myself. We all need more Ash, right? I've been a chin worshiper since way back. Hail To The King, Baby!
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:41 AM
My friend, you have crystallized my thoughts perfectly. I have faith that BC will have his full day in the sun, probably thanks to Raimi but...I salute your moxy and positive chinnitude!
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:49 AM
So great in Burn Notice.
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:51 AM
how about making a "Brisco County" feature film? that would be kickass too! hail to the king!
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:52 AM
Unfortunately, I can't agree with most of what you say as you apparently have no idea what you're talking about ....
If the Ghost House flicks of recent memory ("produced" by Raimi) are any indication of how big-time productions have changed the mind of the once-great director, then I don't want to see his return to the horror genre - ever.
And then add in your saying that "My Name Is Bruce" is pure crap based on third-hand info. What a joke; watch it for yourself before you write the thing off.
But then again, your clamoring for a Freddy/Jason/Ash flick tells me you're more than happy to simply swallow garbage for entertainment.
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:53 AM
Actually, Idiocracy was _not_ a straight-to-DVD release. Sure, it was a very, very limited theatrical release, but it did actually hit theaters.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/faq
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:05 AM
Shop smart, shop S mart! I would like to see some more Ash-kickin!
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:09 AM
For what it's worth, Idiocracy did receive a small theatrical release in certain markets. I live near Chicago and I saw it twice.
Posted by
Hochuli Goes Bananas |
6:20 AM
I've always thought that Bruce would make an awesome Batman. If they ever do "The Dark Knight Returns" Bruce is their man.
Hail Bruce! (work shed)
Posted by
Tad Salyards |
6:21 AM
Bruce was the Maitre'De in Spiderman 3, not a waiter. Please make sure you are right before you write something or you have no business on the internet :D
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:33 AM
Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash is going to be a 6-issue mini-series from Wildstorm comics, based on the screenplay by Jeff Katz.
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:46 AM
He was also in Spider Man 2, the usher that wouldn't let him into MJ's play.
Posted by
Anonymous |
7:16 AM
Yeah, and he was in spiderman one as the announcer at the cage match who gave spidy his name. I think he has a cameo in everything Raimi does.
Posted by
Anonymous |
7:30 AM
BC's also the ringmaster in the first Spider-Man. Does anyone know of a Sam Raimi film that he's NOT in?
Posted by
Anonymous |
7:37 AM
This was the saddest thing I've ever read. Now I'm gonna be depressed for the rest of the day.
Posted by
Cyrus2342 |
8:01 AM
Bruce also does the narrator/tutorial voice work for the spiderman videogames. The dialogue is funny as hell, it totally sounds like stuff Ash would say.
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:02 AM
BC (and Ted Raimi) has a cameo in everything Sam does because according to the bio they grew up together..
The problem with an Evil Dead remake was that it fits "campy horror" to a T (fine tuned the definition even). The fact that it was "Awesome-ly Bad" is just what made it great! Add a Hollywood budget in there and it'll just ruin it.
Don't judge a movie by it's budget. Bubba Ho-Tep didn't have much of a budget like the rest of the movies and it still came out fantastic. Give MNIB a chance first. Speaking of BH-T, why would you want to see ANYONE BUT Campbell play Elvis? Boycott the director on this one...you give the chin what he wants because he gives you the fan base. Probably knows more about she-vampires than the director anyhow.
Posted by
Jamie Lyn |
8:11 AM
Shitty blogs like this are why i hate the internet
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:20 AM
I didn't know that he was supposed to be Darkman...that makes his cameo as the final "shemp" even more genius!
Posted by
Bedheaded |
8:27 AM
What schlocky hospital scene in Spider Man 2? Don't you mean Spider man 1?
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:30 AM
BC in "Evilhairspray2"Wait,did I leave the iron on?
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:49 AM
He means the scene where they try to cut off Doc Ock's tentacles in Spider-Man 2.
Posted by
Donaldson |
9:02 AM
Bruce Campbell stars as Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China 2: Back into Hell
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:21 AM
Ash Definitely needs to be in more movies, TV shows or something. Everytime I see that Old-Spice commercial where he’s singing that Duran Duran song I start cracking up.
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:37 AM
Bruce definitely needs more work. Him and Nathan Fillion should do something together.
And I was a little surprised by the number of missteps in this posting, being as the writer claims to be a huge B-movie fan.
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:41 AM
BC's also the ringmaster in the first Spider-Man. Does anyone know of a Sam Raimi film that he's NOT in?
Bruce was not in "the Quick and the Dead." According to If Chins Could Kill, they filmed a scene with him in it- but it was edited out.
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:48 AM
Personally, I'd like to see Crimewave released in a platinum-edition DVD...
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:53 AM
When I clicked on this blog to read, I wasn't aware I was about to get Chin-Fucked...
it felt good tho...
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:00 PM
BC was not in "A Simple Plan"...
Posted by
Unknown |
1:44 PM
Freddy Vs Jason Vs Ash.
I will not be happy until this is a film....I also forsee my unhappiness.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:45 PM
I couldn't wait for the chin and Roger Moore in Nooners 2: Donkey Punch for Lunch. Since Roger Moore passed away that project got scrapped. So sad...
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:59 PM
Campbell's doing a middle eastern apocalypse film called VACATION with Richard Stanley, a writer-director who does weird & brutal to perfection.
If you've seen Spider-Man 3 or anything under the Ghosthouse banner you'll know just how pitiful Raimi's return to Horror would be.
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:45 PM
Your fanboy boner's in the right place, but a fat & happy studio-assimilated Raimi helming an Evil Dead remake? With "a budget?"
That's almost as stupid as wishing for George Romero to remake Carpenter's take on The Thing using the latest CGI advances.
Oh, wait. That's an actual project, not a cautionary analogy.
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:38 AM
Roger Moore isn't dead!!
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/International_Buzz/Roger_Moore_drawing_girls_even_at_80/articleshow/2483733.cms
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:31 AM
Along with a few other things, Evil Dead 4 contains the majority of my hopes and dreams, it needs to be awesome.
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