The 2007 Summer Movie Awards
Sit back, relax, and slowly realize what a sucker you were for wasting all that money on the never-ending stream of shit films that came out these past few months. It's The 2007 Summer Movie Awards: an award ceremony so grand, all of the categories are in caps.
BEST MOVIE OF THE SUMMER:
Knocked Up and Superbad - Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen make a better match than K-Fed and burger flipping. Uwe Boll and the Razzies. Paris Hilton and herpes. Jessica Alba and my cock.
BEST MOVIE OF THE SUMMER NOT FROM JUDD APATOW:
Ratatouille - Brad Bird and Pixar do it again, somehow. When a movie revolves around cooking and rats, you don't usually expect this kind of brilliance.
BEST MOVIE OF THE SUMMER FEATURING GIANT ROBOTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER:
Transformers - It was a hard choice, but after much deliberation, this film came out on top.
WORST MOVIE OF THE SUMMER:
License to Wed - Read the review HERE. Or better yet, don't. The less said about this film the better.
Hairspray - Seeing as how it features John Travolta in a fat suit (looking even more grotesque than he did in "Battlefield Earth") AND it's from the director of "The Pacifier" and "Cheaper by the Dozen 2", the fact that it didn't turn out horrendously is a pretty damn big surprise.
MOST IGNORANT, HYPOCRITICAL, AND UNFUNNY PIECE OF SHIT OF THE SUMMER:
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry - It's not homophobic or offensive, just ignorant. And totally unfunny.
The script feels like it was written by a five-year-old. One that's talented enough to know the basic three-act structure, but dumb enough to assume all gays go to lavishly fruity homo-parties where they dress up as fairies and prance around. That's the kind of movie this is.
MOST REDEEMING QUALITY ABOUT ANY MOVIE:
Jessica Biel's ass in "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" - Enough to make gay men go straight.
LEAST REDEEMING QUALITY ABOUT ANY MOVIE:
Bumblebee imitating R. Kelly in "Transformers"
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS FILM:
I Know Who Killed Me - This amazing masterpiece of a movie is a staggeringly deep exploration of everything that is blue - blue roses, blue light, blue fades... even the people are blue at times. And as you very well know, any film that has an emphasized color in it is automatically meaningful. But just in case that's not enough to convince you, this movie also has RED. Baam! Now what mother fucker? You can't even handle the symbolic wonder featured in this destined to be an Academy Award winning classic!
MOST PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A KIDS FILM:
Daddy Day Camp and Bratz - Movies like this should end with a phone number to a suicide hotline.
BIGGEST ACTING COMEBACK:
John Cusack in "1408" - He may be an asshole in real life, but damn is he one charming son of a bitch on film.
MOST LAUGHABLE ACTING NON-COMEBACK:
Chris Tucker in "Rush Hour 3: Back in Black... and Yelling a Lot" - DO YOU UNDERSTAN' DA WORDS DAT ARE COMIN' OUT OVA MAH MOUV?
HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST NEW COMMODITY:
Shia LaBeouf - He's starred in three big films this year, and two of them featured him macking on Megan Fox and Sarah Roemer... with his tongue. And now, he's playing Indy's son. Is life fair or what?
Runner-Up: Judd Apatow was a close second, but he already received wide acclaim after "The 40 Year Old Virgin". So don't bitch.
THE EMO AWARD:
Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)
Peter Parker (Spider-Man 3)
Mike Enslin (1408)
Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End)
Nick Hume (Death Sentence)
Peter Parker (Spider-Man 3) - Is there even any debate here?
WORST DANCING OF THE SUMMER:
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
SHITTIEST THREEQUEL OF THE SUMMER:
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Rush Hour 3
All of them.
...except for "Spider-Man 3", which apparently I was the only person on the planet that liked (even with all its flaws). Sue me.
Complimentary Award for Movies That Weren't Sequels, Remakes, or Adaptations (...and at the same time, managed to not totally suck):
You Kill Me
Death at a Funeral
So out of the 70+ movies that came out this summer, only about 14 of the good ones weren't based on previous works. And only 8 of those had wide releases, meaning only a very small portion of the world could see them. So that makes an estimate total of 6 quality, original, widely released movies this summer. Glorious. See you next summer.