The Quig Spot

10. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT


What people were hoping for: A stylish and gory adaptation of the graphic novel of the same name, brought to life by the director of "Hard Candy".

What it turned out to be: Just another stupid vampire movie, with its incredibly cool premise used as nothing more than a gimmick.


9. REVOLVER


What people were hoping for: A return to form from Guy Ritchie, the director of "Snatch" and "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels".

What it turned out to be: Further proof that Ritchie should have never married Madonna.


8. FRED CLAUS


What people were hoping for: A hilarious and offbeat romp with Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti, tied together by "Wedding Crashers" director David Dobkin.

What it turned out to be: PG-rated kiddie crap.


7. SMOKIN' ACES


What people were hoping for: An onslaught of ridiculous action mixed with an onslaught of ridiculous characters.

What it turned out to be: An onslaught of ridiculous characters, but fuck all in the way of action.


6. WAR


What people were hoping for: A kickass showdown between Jason Statham and Jet Li.

What it turned out to be: Utterly forgettable trash, with barely two minutes worth of a "showdown" between Statham and Li.


5. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END


What people were hoping for: A spectacular and climactic resolution of everything left open in "Dead Man's Chest".

What it turned out to be: An excuse to introduce even more plot threads, none of which were interesting, and all of which took an accumulated 2 and half hours to resolve instead of a much more reasonable 90 minutes.


4. ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM


What people were hoping for: The excessively violent and gruesome R-rated battle between horror icons that should've been delivered by the previous installment.

What it turned out to be: Even worse than the first film.


3. FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER


What people were hoping for: A redemption to the series by way of the Silver Surfer's introduction.

What it turned out to be: Lots more of the same shit found in the first film, minus Alba's hotness (what the hell did they do to her?), and not even much Surfer.


2. SOUTHLAND TALES


What people were hoping for: The next breathtaking masterpiece from the director of "Donnie Darko".

What it turned out to be: A complete and utter mess of admittedly ambitious ideas, sans any cohesion.


1. SPIDER-MAN 3


What people were hoping for: Another incredible entry in the "Spider-Man" series.

What it turned out to be: An overstuffed collection of truly awful scenes, including Parker playing jazz piano, being devious while eating cookies, and crying a lot.



NOTE: These choices are based more on the reactions of audiences and critics than my own personal opinion.

Labels: Top Ten Lists

Posted by quigles at 2:01 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

10. SURF'S UP


What people were expecting: An unwelcome continuation of the "penguin movie" fad, with a stupid documentary gimmick.

What it turned out to be: An unexpectedly welcome continuation of the "penguin movie" fad, with a cool documentary gimmick.


9. STARDUST


What people were expecting: Another blasé entry in the fantasy genre, hoping desperately to milk the success brought on by the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.

What it turned out to be: A surprisingly fun adventure movie in the vein of "The Princess Bride".


8. TMNT


What people were expecting: A lame studio attempt at reinventing an old franchise for younger audiences.

What it turned out to be: A nostalgic, action-packed throwback to everything that made the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so much fun to begin with.


7. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE


What people were expecting: An unfunny big screen adaptation of a TV show that should've had a movie ten years ago.

What it turned out to be: Hilarious.


6. 28 WEEKS LATER


What people were expecting: A standard, lousy Hollywood sequel to a movie that’s reason for working so well was in large part thanks to its indie style.

What it turned out to be: An inventive and well made action/horror thrill-ride.


5. ENCHANTED


What people were expecting: Disney garbage.

What it turned out to be: Classic Disney.


4. TRANSFORMERS


What people were expecting: Exactly what most movies based on toy lines would end up being... dog shit.

What it turned out to be: An ultra-slick action extravaganza featuring robots beating the shit out of each other.


3. LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD


What people were expecting: An unnecessary PG-13 sequel that’s only reason for existence is because Hollywood is running out of ideas.

What it turned out to be: Totally fucking badass.


2. DISTURBIA


What people were expecting: A godawful teen-based "Rear Window" ripoff.

What it turned out to be: Way more entertaining and well-made than it should've been.


1. HAIRSPRAY


What people were expecting: Another turd from the director of "Cheaper by the Dozen 2" and "The Pacifier", this time featuring John Travolta in drag and an overload of bright colors.

What it turned out to be: One of the most fun musicals in recent memory.



NOTE: These choices are based more on the reactions of audiences and critics than my own personal opinion.

Labels: Top Ten Lists

Posted by quigles at 1:48 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

When it comes to B-level movie actors, Bruce Campbell is not the reigning champ. You see, with his godly chin and unsurpassed smartass mentality, he's much too awe-inspiring a figure to be categorized by mere levels and letters.

Of course, most people haven't yet discovered his greatness, the reason for which can be attributed solely to the blithering idiots in Hollywood suffering from the inability to remove their heads from their anuses. Because of this, we may never see the films that would ensure Bruce "The Chin" Campbell's place as the be-all and end-all cinema badass. These are those films.


6. THE EVIL DEAD Remake


"Evil Dead 2" was pretty much a remake of the first "Evil Dead" anyway. Why do we need another one?

Fuck you, that's why.

I'm not a big fan of all these remakes lately, but if there's one movie I wouldn't mind them redoing, it's "The Evil Dead." Imagine getting to see the origin of Ash, but with an actual budget and better costars. Imagine going to the theater and watching the cult classic we all love, but with an audience that has no idea what they're in for. Imagine the studios backing a movie featuring 'tree rape,' and the sequence actually getting past the censors. Well, stop imagining, because it's not gonna happen. And if it ever does, it will never be remade in the dementedly twisted way it deserves to be.

Potential awesomeness: 7 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening: 4 out of 10 chins



5. SPIDER-MAN 4


The rumor that Bruce Campbell would play the next Spidey villain, Mysterio, started with "Spider-Man 3." Word on the street was it would just be a cameo, and that he'd be expanded in the next film as a central foe.

The cameo never happened.

What does that mean for Mysterio in the next Spider-Man film? Nobody knows for sure. But with comments that Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire, and others may not even be returning for another outing, and that the studios may just reboot the franchise instead, it's all a little disheartening. If there's one person who would let Campbell do his thing, it's Raimi. Now, we may never get to see that happen.

Potential awesomeness: 7 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening (with Bruce): 3 out of 10 chins



4. MY NAME IS BRUCE


To be fair, you will eventually get the chance to see this movie (since it's already been made). You won't, however, get to see the movie it should've been.

The premise is genius: after being mistaken for his character Ash from the "Evil Dead" trilogy, actor Bruce Campbell finds him forced to fight real monsters in a small Oregon town. Anybody who doesn't get chills from reading that synopsis is not a real B-movie fan.

Now then, here's why it will sadly disappoint:

• It's directed by Bruce Campbell. I may love the actor, but anybody who's seen "Man with the Screaming Brain" would agree his directorial skills leave something to be desired. There's only one man who should be directing this film, and that's Sam Raimi.
  
• The budget is only $1.5 million. Budget may not mean everything ("The Evil Dead" only cost $350,000), but Campbell had a $2 million price tag on "Man with the Screaming Brain" and the thing looked like it cost no more than 20 bucks and some pocket lint.
  
• No studio has picked it up. This means we can expect a straight-to-DVD release, which is certainly not a sign of high quality. Then again, "Idiocracy" went straight-to-DVD, too. Hmm.
  
• Early reviews have not been flattering. For the most part, word of mouth has been positive, but it's more along the lines of, "Yeah, it's a pretty fun movie." And to be honest, I want more than just a "pretty fun" movie.
  

I'm crossing my fingers anyway though. As a loyal Bruce Campbell fan, I'll still be buying the film. Even if it sucks.

Potential awesomeness (if it had been made the way it should've been): 9 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening: 10 out of 10 chins



3. BUBBA NOSFERATU AND THE CURSE OF THE SHE-VAMPIRES


This one really stings. As it turns out, the movie's still happening... just not with Bruce. Due to "creative differences" between Campbell and director Don Coscarelli (wait, it's not the studio's fault this time?), he has dropped from the production, and Coscarelli is looking for a replacement. Well, fuck that! If Campbell's not going to be Elvis, I don't even care anymore. I'd rather they didn't even make the damn thing.

What sucks even more about this is that Paul Giamatti was going to costar as Campbell's evil boss. Plus, the film's set in Vegas, and it's got she-vampires. Fuckin' she-vampires! How could you possibly have creative differences when your movie's got Elvis duking it out with she-vampires?

Potential awesomeness: 8 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening (with Bruce): 1 out of 10 chins



2. FREDDY VS. JASON VS. ASH


This was more of a fanboy dream than a real possibility to begin with, but c'mon! Think of the potential!

Freddy can enter and kill you in your dreams, has metal-clawed leather gloves, and wears a bitchin' fedora. Jason is a lumbering, unstoppable killing machine with one huge-ass machete. But Ash? He's the king, baby. He's got class. He's got style. He's got a chainsaw for a hand, a boomstick on his back, and snappy one-liners galore. Freddy and Jason are mere bitches in comparison.

If this movie got made, the only possible way to fuck it up would be to have Bruce wearing a tutu while Freddy and Jason got their nails done at a beauty parlor or something. Short of that, nothing could make this movie suck... if it ever got made, that is. Which it won't.

Now excuse me while I go cry.

Potential awesomeness: 10 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening: 0 out of 10 chins



1. EVIL DEAD 4


Fuck it, I don't need another remake. I just need more Ash. For the love of god, give me another adventure with Ash! Sam Raimi proved he's still got what it takes to make gloriously schlocky horror movie camp with that hospital scene in "Spider-Man 2," so now all he needs to do is focus that energy into one last outing with Bruce, and all will be well in the world.

Please. Do it for me. Do it for the people who continue to go to late night showings of the original trilogy. Do it for the people who went to the Bruce Campbell book signing of "If Chins Could Kill," and wasted money on "Man with the Screaming Brain." Do it for the people who bought every single fucking edition of the "Evil Dead" films that the studios continue to churn out (and for the suckers who will even buy the upcoming 3-Disc Ultimate Edition, like me).

Please. Do it for all of us.

Potential awesomeness: 9 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening: 5 out of 10 chins



BONUS PICK - DARKMAN


This flick hit theaters almost 20 years back, and quite frankly, was pretty damn awesome. Only one problem: where was Bruce? He actually does appear toward the end of the film in a very minor role, but he was originally supposed to be Darkman! Liam Neeson is a great actor and all, and he did solid work in the role, but every time I watch this film I can't help but wonder how much cooler it would've been had The Chin been in the starring role. (You can once again blame the studio for that one, by the way. They didn't think Campbell could carry the role, and said his name wasn't marketable enough. Bunch of douchebags.)

Labels: Top Ten Lists

Posted by quigles at 6:20 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Ah yes, the Academy Awards. Such a prestigious honor, reserved only for the most dignified and distinguished faces in show business. Of course, they would hold a lot more merit if some of the winning actors didn't turn the show into a total mockery with their subsequent career choices. C'mon now people, the Oscars are the closest thing we have to reputable film awards. If we don't have that, then all we've got are the Golden Globes, or god forbid... the MTV Movie Awards. *shudder*

So with that said, here are the ten most notorious contenders for sullying the Academy Awards' name. (Well, more than it has been already.)


10. Robert De Niro


Got the Oscar for:

• The Godfather: Part II
  
• Raging Bull

Needs it taken away for:

• The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle
  
• Showtime
  
• Analyze That
  
• Hide and Seek
  
• Godsend
  
• Meet the Fockers
  
• 15 Minutes

Before you jump down my throat, allow me to explain myself. There's a huge difference between Robert De Niro the "actor" and Robert De Niro the "comedian". I appreciate that he's one of the seminal actors of our time, but after "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle", his career went straight to hell. A man that once had his resume filled with movies like "Goodfellas", "The Deer Hunter", "Heat", "Raging Bull", and "Taxi Driver", was suddenly mugging for the camera in awful comedies like "Showtime" and "Analyze That". Oh please, say it ain't so.

More disappointingly, once he started doing comedy, even his dramatic roles took a turn for the worst. He became... dull. Did anybody see "Hide & Seek"? The guy looked half-asleep for its entire duration. A pair of shoes could've out-acted him. That, and the film sucked.

Will we ever get back the Robert De Niro that was once so loved? I can only hope.


9. JEREMY IRONS


Got the Oscar for:

• Reversal of Fortune

Needs it taken away for:

• Dungeons & Dragons
  
• Eragon

You'd think after the guy played one of the worst villains of all time in one of the worst movies of all time, "Dungeons & Dragons", he'd learn to steer clear of anything involving those fire-breathing (and career-destroying) beasts. Fuck, I'm pretty sure that's a default reaction for ALL actors, since the closest thing we've ever had to a decent dragon movie was the mediocre "Reign of Fire".

Mr. Irons, I can forgive you for the first fuck up, but after "Eragon"... you're on your own.


8. MICHAEL DOUGLAS


Got the Oscar for:

• Wall Street

Needs it taken away for:

• The In-Laws
  
• It Runs in the Family
  
• Don't Say a Word
  
• The Sentinel
  
• One Night at McCool's
  
• You, Me and Dupree

It's easy to envy Michael Douglas for being able to tap THIS every day, but it's hard to envy where his career has gone. Since 2000's "Traffic", the guy hasn't made a single good movie. Six films. All of them shit. That's gotta be some kind of record, especially for somebody of his caliber. It seems that Mr. Bobby De Niro isn't the only actor to suffer from "Hey, I wan't to be a comedian now!" syndrome.


7. BEN KINGSLEY


Got the Oscar for:

• Gandhi

Needs it taken away for:

• BloodRayne
  
• A Sound of Thunder
  
• Thunderbirds
  
• Species
  
• What Planet Are You From?

It amazes me that Uwe Boll can officially state he's had an Academy Award winning actor star in one of his films. Even more amazing is that said actor happens to be the brilliantly talented Ben Kingsley. Somebody really needs to fire their agent. Either that, or Ben is just fond of playing ridiculously over-the-top baddies that look so goofy, they'd give the villainous Zorg from "The Fifth Element" a run for his money.

But don't take my word for it, see for yourself:


Yikes.


6. NICOLAS CAGE


Got the Oscar for:

• Leaving Las Vegas

Needs it taken away for:

• The Wicker Man
  
• Ghost Rider
  
• Next
  
• Con Air
  
• Gone in Sixty Seconds

Between 2002 and 2005, Nicolas Cage made four of the best films of their respective years: "Adaptation", "The Weather Man", "Matchstick Men", and "Lord of War". And in his infinite wisdom, he decided to follow up those choices with three of the worst: "The Wicker Man", "Ghost Rider", and "Next". Now whenever I go back to try and appreciate the excellence of those first four movies (as well as some of the others he's done), I find myself unable to watch him while keeping a straight face. All I can think about is his performance as Johnny Blaze, the worst Elvis impersonator on earth. And then of course, there's "The Wicker Man"...


You know, on second thought, let's not even go there.


5. JON VOIGHT


Got the Oscar for:

• Coming Home

Needs it taken away for:

• Bratz: The Movie
  
• SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2
  
• The Karate Dog
  
• Transformers
  
• Anaconda
  
• Most Wanted

Whatever shred of dignity Jon Voight had left after "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2", the recently released live-action "Bratz" movie has officially obliterated it.

Jon Voight has always had an on-and-off career, with the occasional solid movie helping to prove his worth as an actor. But, there's a pretty fine line between having a good acting resume and having a bad one; if "The Karate Dog" is on your resume, I can promise you're nowhere near it.


4. ROBIN WILLIAMS


Got the Oscar for:

• Good Will Hunting

Needs it taken away for:

• License to Wed
  
• RV
  
• Night at the Museum
  
• Patch Adams
  
• Flubber

Robin Williams has become so unfunny, he's regressed to the point where I've started questioning why I even found him funny to begin with. This was especially evident while watching "License to Wed", a prime candidate for the worst film of 2007. I also think it marked the first time I've ever felt such ruthlessly sadistic hatred for a man of the cloth. The only thing keeping me from simultaneously storming out of the theater while flipping my friends the bird for having me sit through that garbage, was the oh-so-desperate hope of seeing Williams getting a fist placed firmly in his face. When John Krasinski threw out that punch near the end, and Robin Williams went tumbling backwards, I burst into raucous applause. It may have been staged, but goddamn, just the thought of it being real was satisfying enough.


3. WHOOPI GOLDBERG


Got the Oscar for:

• Ghost

Needs it taken away for:

• Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
  
• Theodore Rex
  
• How Stella Got Her Groove Back
  
• Made in America
  
• Eddie
  
• Bogus
  
• All of her TV shit...

If I even need to explain this one to you, then you've never seen "Hollywood Squares".


2. HALLE BERRY


Got the Oscar for:

• Monster's Ball

Needs it taken away for:

• Catwoman
  
• Perfect Stranger
  
• Gothika
  
• Die Another Day
  
• Swordfish
  
• X-Men: The Last Stand

The immediate year following her Oscar win with "Monster's Ball", Halle Berry won the Razzie for Worst Actress with "Catwoman". She gets major cool points for actually showing up to accept the award (even going as far as to mock her Oscar speech from the year prior), but that doesn't come close to making up for the film itself. It also doesn't make up for the fact that she's just never been that good of an actress, delivering about 1 good performance for every 25 bad. So as long as she chugs out another 25 films as quickly as possibly over the next ten years, there's at least one other gem bound to pop up... right?

Feel free to hold your breath.


1. CUBA GOODING JR.


Got the Oscar for:

• Jerry Maguire

Needs it taken away for:

• Daddy Day Camp
  
• Snow Dogs
  
• Boat Trip
  
• Norbit
  
• Chill Factor
  
• Rat Race
  
• All of his straight-to-DVD crap...

Here he is. The man that inspired this list. It's sad really; he began his career so promisingly, only to have it repeatedly plummet into the depths of acting hell.

Not only is he now picking up the scraps of another was-once-great-but-is-now-shit actor's roles (that being, Eddie Murphy's character from "Daddy Day Care"), but he's doing it under the direction of Fred fucking Savage, the kid from "The Wonder Years".

Like Robert De Niro and Michael Douglas before him, comedies have made a joke out of Cuba Gooding Jr... And not the kind of joke where you're laughing with him.

However, unlike De Niro or Douglas, Cuba's chances of recovery are almost zero. You don't make something like "Daddy Day Camp" right before your next big break; you make it on your acting career deathbed, with heart failure imminent upon the film's release. And with this past Wednesday, you could hear Cuba's going into arrest from well over half the country away. Rest in peace, man, rest in peace.


Dishonorable Mention: Hilary Swank — The Reaping? The Core? The Black Dahlia? You have two Oscars, babe. Start acting like it.

Labels: Top Ten Lists

Posted by quigles at 5:11 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post