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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Top Ten Most Annoying Kid Actors

For every great child actor out there (such as Freddie Highmore and Josh Hutcherson), there are about twenty others who are just so annoying, you can't help but want to grab the nearest sharp object and jam your eyes out. Or rather, theirs.

Here are my choices for the ten most prime candidates. (And say what you will about Haley Joel Osment, but I actually liked him, so suck on that.)

10. Dakota Fanning

Dakota's only going on this list as a formality, because I know how irritating so many people find her. Even though I do agree she can grate the nerves, at least she knows how to act. Still, with her non-stop whining like a little bitch in the recent Spielberg remake War of the Worlds, and her controversial turn in the movie Hounddog (where she gets pointlessly raped - really now, what the fuck?), I'm putting the bitch on the list just to spite her.

Filmography: I Am Sam, Hide and Seek, Man on Fire, War of the Worlds, Charlotte's Web

9. AnnaSophia Robb

This girl did a great job playing Violet Beauregarde in Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory adaptation. Reason being, the character Violet was an obnoxious little C-U-N-Tuesday. It's just too bad that in Bridge to Terabithia she had a much harder task to accomplish - being likable. I think the fact that I wanted to beat her over the head with a shovel gives a pretty good indication of whether she succeeded or not.

Filmography: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Reaping, Bridge to Terabithia

8. Cameron Bright

This emotionless little peckerwood has been appearing everywhere these past few years, and I think he's doing it just to piss me off. It's almost like a horrible game of Where's Waldo?, where I'll randomly see a movie in theaters only to find his impassive mug staring right back at me. Talk about destroying a movie experience. This kid's fucking duller than Syriana.

Filmography: Godsend, Birth, Thank You for Smoking, Running Scared, Ultraviolet, X-Men: The Last Stand

7. Dylan & Cole Sprouse

Just one movie is all it took to get these annoying twats on the list. It also doesn't help that I recently caught about ten seconds of their show, "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody". Now here's my question: who's fucking bright idea was it to greenlight a show with these conceited and talent-less pricks as the stars? The only thing more disturbing than that is the fact that people actually watch the piece of shit. What is the world coming to?

Filmography: Big Daddy

6. Cayden Boyd

Ever see The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl? No, of course you didn't. But had you, you would've seen the biggest fucking pussy hero ever to grace the silver screen... in 3-D! The good news there is, you can visualize yourself actually chocking the son of a bitch. Which is awesome, because not only is he a complete tool, he's also a terrible actor.

Filmography: The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, Mystic River, X-Men: The Last Stand

5. Josh Flitter

With his upcoming role as Robin William's sidekick in License to Wed, we're guaranteed to be seeing a lot more of young Josh Flitter. His last name is strangely appropriate, because he's a bit like a flittering pest that just won't go away, no matter how much you swat at it. I'm honestly shocked he's able to keep getting work. Do people actually find him funny? Or are they simply entertained by the fact that he's a chubby little bastard who doesn't quite walk so much as waddle?

Filmography: The Greatest Game Ever Played, Nancy Drew, License to Wed

4. Jake Lloyd

You'd think seeing Darth Vader as a child would be cool... Nope, not with this little bitch mucking it up. I realize George Lucas' scripts don't exactly give the actors much to work with, but for fuck's sake, this kid can't even put one foot in front of the other without making it look like he's been asked to act out a 15-minute monologue. Did you see him during the fucking pod race? I couldn't tell whether he was distraught, or if he had to take a shit.

Filmography: Jingle All the Way, Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

3. David Dorfman

As if he wasn't annoying enough in the first Ring, he had to double it up for the sequel. They really should've had a ten-minute sequence with Naomi Watts just slapping the shit out of the disrespectful twat. At least then it wouldn't have been a complete and utter waste of 2 hours. But, as irritating as he is, he did do a decent job with his performance as the hideously ugly and weird half-retarded bastard child in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Props for that one.

Filmography: The Ring, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Ring Two

2. Spencer Breslin

If somebody made a movie that consisted of nothing other than Spencer Breslin getting shoved down a hill, followed by him attempting to hurdle his fat ass back up, only to get pushed back down again, I'd totally pay to see it. This kid's the epitome of "annoying fatass". Every time he spews out a line, he speaks like he just got finished choking down another Big Mac. I'm guessing that when God made him, he was probably going for "goofy and cute," but instead ended up with, "OH HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"

Filmography: The Kid, The Santa Clause 2, The Cat in the Hat, Zoom

1. Jonathan Lipnicki

I would never hit a kid... with the exception of this one. Granted, he's a lot older now, but it's a nothing Christopher Lloyd and a DeLorean can't fix. If I could, I'd go back to when Jerry Maguire was being filmed, and I'd just roundhouse kick the little fucker right in the face. Then I'd stare him straight in eyes and say in the most sincere voice possible, "Tom Cruise is going to rape you while you're sleeping."

Harsh, I know, but what can I say? I'm an asshole.

Filmography: Jerry Maguire, Stuart Little, The Little Vampire, Like Mike


Saturday, June 23, 2007

Who's Your Caddy: Setting Back Society A Hundred Years

Let me get this straight... This movie features loud-mouth black people and pompous rich white guys duking it out over a golf club membership? OH, THE HILARITY!

And hey, be sure to check out the laugh riot trailer at Yahoo! Movies.

But just in case you aren't able to appreciate all of the clever jokes and subtle nuances, here's a sampling of this movie's apparent genius...

I don't think I've ever seen a trailer that made me contemplate suicide more than this one. It's practically a parody it's so bad.

Worse yet, the pathetically stereotypical "culture clash for the sake of comedy" premise has been dragged into the ground and stomped on repeatedly, but for some reason they're still using it in about a dozen films every year.

The only thing more annoying than this tired formula is when movies have old white women talking/acting like they're from the ghetto (which wasn't shown in this trailer, but I can almost guarantee they'll have in the actual film). It may have been funny in AIRPLANE! (since they actually did something clever with the gag), but it hasn't been since.

Seriously Hollywood, FUCKING STOP IT. I haven't even seen the film, and already my brain cells are dying.

And on that note, I'd like to offer up my thoughts on a more appropriate title for the film (not that WHO'S YOUR CADDY isn't a stroke of genius)...


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Evan Baxter is racist.


Haiku Movie Review: Fantastic Four 2

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

People said it sucked,
But I actually liked it,
I must be stupid.

Full review to come soon!


Sunday, June 17, 2007

Blatant DVD Cover Rip-Off

This has happened before. Some crappy little studio pumping out straight-to-DVD movies finds a cover they like, and then rips off the design.

But damn, this is just sad. It's exactly the same cover, from the scratches on the title down to the burning of the sepia tone colored background.

Thanks to Brett Arnold for pointing this thievery out to me.


Saturday, June 09, 2007

MOVIE REVIEW(S): Ocean's 13, Hostel: Part II, Knocked Up, and more...

Here are a bunch of quick reviews for: Ocean's Thirteen, Hostel: Part II, Knocked Up, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, and Shrek the Third.

Ocean's 13
What the hell is with the positive reviews for this film?

I loved the first, disliked the second, and was deeply hoping the third would bring back memories of the former instead of the latter...

Instead, I had to endure a tedious, unfunny, meandering, and anticlimactic non-heist film. It was mildly entertaining in spurts (due to the stylish direction and awesome actors), but the whole thing felt so damn pointless.

I call it a "non-heist" film because the characters aren't really doing anything. Everything feels so trivial. Of course, they make the non-heist as complicated as humanly possible, but it's all build-up and no payoff. The first half of the film consists of them basically making sure the asshole casino owner (played rather plainly by Al Pacino) doesn't receive his 5 diamond ranking for the hotel. In other words, they went from knocking over multiple casinos and stealing millions of dollars to making sure a hotel judge has a horrible stay at the casino he's grading. What devious masterminds!

Things do become a bit more interesting later on (the rigging of the dice was amusing), but it feels like the group is trying so hard to pull off this "amazing caper" simply to screw over a guy we don't really care about. The gang seems to be investing an unlimited amount of time, effort, manpower, and money to pull off the supposed impossible, but without ever once having an understandable reason to do so. Maybe it's out of boredom.

Also, the way they've incorporated all the characters feels very forced. They don't need 13 people for this, but they make sure everybody gets something to do, even if it means having to come up with a completely random and pointless set of gags and/or stunts.

I hear in the next Ocean's movie, Danny's going to call up the guys to accomplish the biggest task of all... cleaning his pool. It may not sound exciting, but don't worry, they're going to make up for the lack of ingenuity by incorporating plenty of snappy back-and-forth dialogue and a non-stop series of complications that the gang somehow overcome ("Oh no, the filter's clogged! There's no way we can fix this thing! It's impossible! Unless... Do you think we need one more guy? *cue entrance of Clive Owen*").

Ugh. What a perfect continuation for the summer of disappointing threequels.

5 out of 10


Hostel: Part II
Damn, this movie sucked something fierce.

To summarize: it's basically a retread of the first film, except done worse.

The opening segment (involving Jay Hernandez from the first film) was incredibly disappointing, and completely destroyed the one thing I loved about the original (that the victim got payback). All of the characters (except for the actual leading female) are awful and annoying. The gore felt almost ludicrously over-the-top, bringing to mind the hilarity of Roth's "Thanksgiving" trailer from GRINDHOUSE.

The only thing I liked was the brief look into the actual business being run. The two "customers" being focused on probably could've been more interesting (like that creepy dude who was interested in surgery from the first film), but I liked how things played out in the end. Well, kind of. The movie seemed to end rather abruptly, and it's during that cut-off that things were finally getting good.

I originally gave the first movie a 7/10 in theaters, but on DVD I found it lost a lot of its impact (thus dropping to a 6/10). This sequel, on the other hand, is inferior in almost every way to its predecessor (and I haven't even watched it on DVD yet).

4 out of 10


Knocked Up
This movie is one of the funniest and most relateable movies I've ever seen. It's complete perfection in every way.

The script feels like it was tailor-made for me. Some of the conversations here were almost exact replicas of those that I've had with my friends (such as the discussion about Munich). Granted, their conversations are a helluva lot funnier than mine.

As far as acting goes, Seth Rogen is hilarious as the amiable slob, and Katherine Heigl is surprisingly wonderful as the out-of-his-league hottie who gets (as the title implies) knocked up. She's definitely more than just a hot piece of ass (although she's obviously that, too). Rogen's group of friends are also very funny (albeit gross and obnoxious), as is the oh-so-charismatic Paul Rudd as Heigl's sister's husband. These are easily the most entertaining cast of characters to come together in a film for a very long time.

I also appreciated how the movie avoided overly slapstick gags, and just stuck to having extremely clever (and believable) dialogue. It gave the story a free-flowing and natural feel, something that made buying into the proceedings all the easier.

Simply put, I think this film could become one of my all-time favorites (and it's already a guaranteed front-runner for my top 10 of 2007). Another comedy classic from director Judd Apatow. It's funny as hell, but it also has heart. More movies should strive to be like Knocked Up.

9 out of 10


Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Brilliant visuals/cinematography, excellent music, and sensationally epic filmmaking... compiled with an overly convoluted plot that continually drags, while only sporadically enticing.

They should've just made one sequel and cut out half of the unnecessary bullshit subplots.

And that's that on that; I have nothing left to say.

6 out of 10


Shrek the Third
Occasionally funny, but surprisingly bland sequel. It was made simply to milk the franchise, not because it had a worthwhile story to tell. The CGI looks the best it ever has (is that even a shock?), but the rest of the production feels tired and lazy. The once hilarious characters have now become annoying. I will say though, Antonio Banderas manages to come out unscathed by keeping intact the amusing fervor of Puss-in-Boots.

Honestly, Shrek could've killed everybody in Far Far Away, followed by committing a horribly graphic suicide, and I still wouldn't have cared. In fact, that might've been a better ending. At least then we could be rest assured that this franchise would be officially dead.

Easily the worst of the three.

5 out of 10

You can find my thoughts on other movies through my Flixster account, here:


Friday, June 08, 2007


Here are my interviews (from Hawaii) with Shia LaBeouf, Jon Heder, Jeff Bridges, co-director Chris Buck, co-director Ash Brannon, and producer Chris Jenkins from the Surf's Up junket.

You guys having fun in Hawaii?

Heder: It's great here, huh? I'm not complaining.

LaBeouf: Me either. Anyway, Jon you have some slick pants, buddy!

Heder: Hey, I'm just being professional. No, I'm doing the Hawaiian thing man.

LaBeouf: Yeah, I know. I'm a loser. I didn't pack well.

With 'Surfs' Up,' you actually worked together in the studio. How was that experience different from the other voiceover work you've done?

Heder: I did one voice on another movie, 'Monster House' and even then I've never done a normal voice over, because that was all motion capture. So, that was like shooting a film. We had props and everything. On this, we had the little music stand with our dialogue and stuff, but it was kind of in a big open room. I have a couple of scenes with Shia and then one with Zooey [Deschanel] and it was kind of cool and different because it was interactive. We would actually wrestle and move around and that helped a lot.

LaBeouf: The only cartoon I've done was the 'Naushika' translation [Hayao Miyazaki's Nausicaä of the Valley of the Winds] and you had to stick to script a lot of the time. And when you have a lot of the actors in the room, you get to adlib and [the directors] would encourage it, because it was 'reality show' live. So, the cadence was different. It's not like the "bah dah dah, tsssh" joke. It's more 'Spinal Tap-y.' There are these little intricate moments that you get when you get the other actors there. Noises you wouldn't write down on a piece of paper in scripted form. So, it was great that we were encouraged to do it and that Sony let them encourage us to do it. So, we were in a really good environment for something like this.

Read the rest of the interview by clicking the link below...


We see some parallels to The Dude here.

[Laughs] Well, The Dude does weed. Big Z's into clams.

What about the character appealed to you most?

Gee, you know, what really got me on board was this whole surfing aspect of things and how well they pulled the water element of this film off. I said, "They're going to do a surfing movie, how are the waves going to look? Is it going to be almost like a photograph?" Then they started to show me some of the footage they had worked on. Being a surfer myself, it was a thrill to be able to be a part of bringing to the audience what that feels like to be locked in the tube.

Read the rest of the interview by clicking the link below...


What came first – the story, or the style?

Buck: The story. The story always comes first. Then the next step is to make sure we could create waves that were believable enough to carry the story.

Jenkins: We knew we were going to have to do skateboarding penguins if we couldn't get the waves. We did an early test with our vis-dev [visual development] department and we really didn't know if it could be done. We weren't asking our animators to put something on a wave but inside a wave. We knew that would be a central element to the story.

Who came up with the documentary angle?

Brannon: It was Chris' idea to do the story.

Jenkins: We wanted characters to do interviews with an improvisation style, hand-held camera. But what happened was – Sony , early on, had a surfing penguin movie that wasn't working. It went on the shelf; they put it away. I thought there was something kind of cool about it and came back with the documentary/reality-angle. Surfers seem to spend a lot of time doing documentaries on themselves so we should do it, embrace it and do a full-length narrative like 'Spinal Tap.'

Read the rest of the interview by clicking the link below...


Thursday, June 07, 2007


Surf's Up
I have to admit, when I first heard the premise of SURF'S UP (surfing penguins? really?), the stupidity of it almost gave me a migraine. But I guess if Hollywood can get away with tap dancing penguins (*cough* HAPPY FEET *cough*), they can get away with anything.

Unlike HAPPY FEET though, at least the filmmakers behind SURF'S UP seem to be perfectly aware of how ridiculous their storyline is. During the opening sequence, there's a montage of historical artwork and archival footage that demonstrates the evolution of "penguin surfing" throughout time. It's a scene that will probably leave children blank-faced, but will have adults in stitches.

The movie continues forward with the documentary angle, seemingly poking brief fun at MARCH OF THE PENGUINS, and then ultimately moving forward into more MTV territory, riffing on rock music-filled surfing documentaries. To say the film's a mockumentary would be accurate, but a better description would be calling it a feature length version of the faux bloopers as seen in many of the Pixar films. In terms of laughs, it meets up to that standard as well. When the actual storyline kicks in, however, that's when the problems start.

The documentary gimmick makes the first half of the movie fun and interesting, but it's not exactly compelling enough in the way a family film should be. Because of this, the movie eventually downplays the documentary angle to make way for the story. Unfortunately, the plot is exactly as generic and bland as every other underdog tale that Hollywood keeps crapping out. You've got your stock love interest (voiced by Zooey Deschanel), your stock villain (voiced by Diedrich Bader, who admittedly gets a couple of hilarious moments), your stock dopey sidekick (voiced by Jon Heder), and your stock mentor (voiced by Jeff Bridged) who needs to teach our stock protagonist (voiced by Shia LaBeouf) a thing or two about stock Hollywood messages. (Yeah, stock. Rhymes with cock. Remember that; it's what this movie's story sucks.)

Regardless of this, kids should still have a blast with the many goofy characters being tossed onto the screen (there's a tiny twittering bird voiced by Mario Cantone, an in-your-face show announcer voiced by James Woods, a bunch of funny children penguins, etc.). The only disappointment in the character department concerns Chicken Joe. In a movie where every character is comical, you'd think the actual designated comic relief would be a lot funnier. Instead, he feels more like filler – just an instigator of a bunch of random silly gags used to stretch out the running time (none of which are particularly funny, or even unfunny for that matter).

Meanwhile, the standout character is the one that should've been the least interesting – Shia's large laidback mentor. But thanks to perfect voice acting by Jeff Bridges (in Dude-mode), he ends up being the only one with any real heart. And truth be told, that's something noticeable lacking in the rest of the film.

The filmmakers were apparently too busy creating a lush tropical paradise and beautiful CGI waves to bother with giving their film a soul. Who needs a soul though, when you have animation that looks this good? You probably can't tell from the trailer, but the CGI here is outstanding. Certain aspects are much more cartoony than, say, the photo realistic approach to HAPPY FEET, but it still looks amazing in its own right. Then again, having amazing visuals in a computer generated film seems almost like a given by this point. It's actually more rare to have a CGI film that looks bad.

At least the film's got the humor down pat as well, with everything being consistently funny and oftentimes hilarious. When the movie isn't busy giving adults something clever/cute/fun to enjoy, it makes sure to keep the kids laughing with your standard array of fart and feces humor (at one point even involving an entire pool of glow-worm poo). Those gags had me rolling my eyes, but I was grateful that the filmmakers didn't rely on mindless pop culture references. I think we've seen enough of that from the SHREK films.

The overall experience of SURF'S UP may not be one of complete satisfaction (due to the unbearably clichéd story), but thanks to its numerous hilarious moments and fun documentary gimmick, it still manages to beat out a lot of the other non-Pixar CGI films. That's perfectly good enough for me.

6 out of 10

You can find my thoughts on other movies through my Flixster account, here: