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Monday, August 13, 2007

Ten Oscar Winning Actors That Need Their Statuettes Revoked

Ah yes, the Academy Awards. Such a prestigious honor, reserved only for the most dignified and distinguished faces in show business. Of course, they would hold a lot more merit if some of the winning actors didn't turn the show into a total mockery with their subsequent career choices. C'mon now people, the Oscars are the closest thing we have to reputable film awards. If we don't have that, then all we've got are the Golden Globes, or god forbid... the MTV Movie Awards. *shudder*

So with that said, here are the ten most notorious contenders for sullying the Academy Awards' name. (Well, more than it has been already.)

10. Robert De Niro

Got the Oscar for:
  • The Godfather: Part II
  • Raging Bull

Needs it taken away for:
  • The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle
  • Showtime
  • Analyze That
  • Hide and Seek
  • Godsend
  • Meet the Fockers
  • 15 Minutes

Before you jump down my throat, allow me to explain myself. There's a huge difference between Robert De Niro the "actor" and Robert De Niro the "comedian". I appreciate that he's one of the seminal actors of our time, but after "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle", his career went straight to hell. A man that once had his resume filled with movies like "Goodfellas", "The Deer Hunter", "Heat", "Raging Bull", and "Taxi Driver", was suddenly mugging for the camera in awful comedies like "Showtime" and "Analyze That". Oh please, say it ain't so.

More disappointingly, once he started doing comedy, even his dramatic roles took a turn for the worst. He became... dull. Did anybody see "Hide & Seek"? The guy looked half-asleep for its entire duration. A pair of shoes could've out-acted him. That, and the film sucked.

Will we ever get back the Robert De Niro that was once so loved? I can only hope.


Got the Oscar for:
  • Reversal of Fortune

Needs it taken away for:
  • Dungeons & Dragons
  • Eragon

You'd think after the guy played one of the worst villains of all time in one of the worst movies of all time, "Dungeons & Dragons", he'd learn to steer clear of anything involving those fire-breathing (and career-destroying) beasts. Fuck, I'm pretty sure that's a default reaction for ALL actors, since the closest thing we've ever had to a decent dragon movie was the mediocre "Reign of Fire".

Mr. Irons, I can forgive you for the first fuck up, but after "Eragon"... you're on your own.


Got the Oscar for:
  • Wall Street

Needs it taken away for:
  • The In-Laws
  • It Runs in the Family
  • Don't Say a Word
  • The Sentinel
  • One Night at McCool's
  • You, Me and Dupree

It's easy to envy Michael Douglas for being able to tap THIS every day, but it's hard to envy where his career has gone. Since 2000's "Traffic", the guy hasn't made a single good movie. Six films. All of them shit. That's gotta be some kind of record, especially for somebody of his caliber. It seems that Mr. Bobby De Niro isn't the only actor to suffer from "Hey, I wan't to be a comedian now!" syndrome.


Got the Oscar for:
  • Gandhi

Needs it taken away for:
  • BloodRayne
  • A Sound of Thunder
  • Thunderbirds
  • Species
  • What Planet Are You From?

It amazes me that Uwe Boll can officially state he's had an Academy Award winning actor star in one of his films. Even more amazing is that said actor happens to be the brilliantly talented Ben Kingsley. Somebody really needs to fire their agent. Either that, or Ben is just fond of playing ridiculously over-the-top baddies that look so goofy, they'd give the villainous Zorg from "The Fifth Element" a run for his money.

But don't take my word for it, see for yourself:



Got the Oscar for:
  • Leaving Las Vegas

Needs it taken away for:
  • The Wicker Man
  • Ghost Rider
  • Next
  • Con Air
  • Gone in Sixty Seconds

Between 2002 and 2005, Nicolas Cage made four of the best films of their respective years: "Adaptation", "The Weather Man", "Matchstick Men", and "Lord of War". And in his infinite wisdom, he decided to follow up those choices with three of the worst: "The Wicker Man", "Ghost Rider", and "Next". Now whenever I go back to try and appreciate the excellence of those first four movies (as well as some of the others he's done), I find myself unable to watch him while keeping a straight face. All I can think about is his performance as Johnny Blaze, the worst Elvis impersonator on earth. And then of course, there's "The Wicker Man"...

You know, on second thought, let's not even go there.


Got the Oscar for:
  • Coming Home

Needs it taken away for:
  • Bratz: The Movie
  • SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2
  • The Karate Dog
  • Transformers
  • Anaconda
  • Most Wanted

Whatever shred of dignity Jon Voight had left after "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2", the recently released live-action "Bratz" movie has officially obliterated it.

Jon Voight has always had an on-and-off career, with the occasional solid movie helping to prove his worth as an actor. But, there's a pretty fine line between having a good acting resume and having a bad one; if "The Karate Dog" is on your resume, I can promise you're nowhere near it.


Got the Oscar for:
  • Good Will Hunting

Needs it taken away for:
  • License to Wed
  • RV
  • Night at the Museum
  • Patch Adams
  • Flubber

Robin Williams has become so unfunny, he's regressed to the point where I've started questioning why I even found him funny to begin with. This was especially evident while watching "License to Wed", a prime candidate for the worst film of 2007. I also think it marked the first time I've ever felt such ruthlessly sadistic hatred for a man of the cloth. The only thing keeping me from simultaneously storming out of the theater while flipping my friends the bird for having me sit through that garbage, was the oh-so-desperate hope of seeing Williams getting a fist placed firmly in his face. When John Krasinski threw out that punch near the end, and Robin Williams went tumbling backwards, I burst into raucous applause. It may have been staged, but goddamn, just the thought of it being real was satisfying enough.


Got the Oscar for:
  • Ghost

Needs it taken away for:
  • Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
  • Theodore Rex
  • How Stella Got Her Groove Back
  • Made in America
  • Eddie
  • Bogus
  • All of her TV shit...

If I even need to explain this one to you, then you've never seen "Hollywood Squares".


Got the Oscar for:
  • Monster's Ball

Needs it taken away for:
  • Catwoman
  • Perfect Stranger
  • Gothika
  • Die Another Day
  • Swordfish
  • X-Men: The Last Stand

The immediate year following her Oscar win with "Monster's Ball", Halle Berry won the Razzie for Worst Actress with "Catwoman". She gets major cool points for actually showing up to accept the award (even going as far as to mock her Oscar speech from the year prior), but that doesn't come close to making up for the film itself. It also doesn't make up for the fact that she's just never been that good of an actress, delivering about 1 good performance for every 25 bad. So as long as she chugs out another 25 films as quickly as possibly over the next ten years, there's at least one other gem bound to pop up... right?

Feel free to hold your breath.


Got the Oscar for:
  • Jerry Maguire

Needs it taken away for:
  • Daddy Day Camp
  • Snow Dogs
  • Boat Trip
  • Norbit
  • Chill Factor
  • Rat Race
  • All of his straight-to-DVD crap...

Here he is. The man that inspired this list. It's sad really; he began his career so promisingly, only to have it repeatedly plummet into the depths of acting hell.

Not only is he now picking up the scraps of another was-once-great-but-is-now-shit actor's roles (that being, Eddie Murphy's character from "Daddy Day Care"), but he's doing it under the direction of Fred fucking Savage, the kid from "The Wonder Years".

Like Robert De Niro and Michael Douglas before him, comedies have made a joke out of Cuba Gooding Jr... And not the kind of joke where you're laughing with him.

However, unlike De Niro or Douglas, Cuba's chances of recovery are almost zero. You don't make something like "Daddy Day Camp" right before your next big break; you make it on your acting career deathbed, with heart failure imminent upon the film's release. And with this past Wednesday, you could hear Cuba's going into arrest from well over half the country away. Rest in peace, man, rest in peace.

Dishonorable Mention: Hilary Swank — The Reaping? The Core? The Black Dahlia? You have two Oscars, babe. Start acting like it.


Friday, August 10, 2007

Bloodrayne 2 has smart advertising.

Oh boy, Bloodrayne 2 is coming out soon! I'm psyched! Even more exciting than that though, is their amazing promo page...

(Click to enlarge)

Hmmm. Let's take a closer look.

There's no fucking wa- Hey, what's that asterisk for?

Oh. Wow. That's just... sad.

Thanks to Brett Arnold for the heads up!


Thursday, August 09, 2007

The Ten Most Obnoxiously Overquoted Movies

Nothing makes a great movie suck like people quoting it day in and day out for months at a time. It's the go-to route used by individuals who aren't clever enough to come up with their own material, made worse by them thinking (thanks to the select few that laughed at their referencing) they've suddenly become the most hilarious stand-up comedian since George Carlin. Hey dipshit - they were laughing at the actual line, not your "sensational" joke-telling abilities. In fact, you probably butchered it. It was a sympathy laugh. They all secretly hate you. You're considered one big fucking joke. Even your psychiatrist thinks you should kill yourself. Also, your wife/girlfriend/hand is cheating on you.

And all because you wouldn't stop quoting movies like these...


These three characters in "Office Space" are hilarious, but lets be honest, they're also unlikable and annoying. So just when you think there's nothing more aggravating than people quoting the same fucking movie over and over, this movie becomes popular and now people are quoting three alternatively irritating characters from the same fucking movie over and over. Meanwhile, I just stand back, stare aggressively, and clench my fist, waiting for the right moment to go postal and start shouting, "I'll show you a fucking O-face, you cocksucking motherfucker!!" I have learned the courtrooms are not fond of this response.

Other overused quotes:
  • "If things go well I might be showing her my O-face. 'Oh... Oh... Oh!' You know what I'm talkin' about. 'Oh!'"
  • "Sounds like somebody's having a case of the Mondays."
  • "So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?"
  • "Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler..."
  • "'PC Load Letter'? What the fuck does that mean?"
  • "I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man."
  • "Did you get that memo?"

9. MONTY PYTHON (all of them)

Yes, actually, I did expect the Spanish Inquisition. Maybe if you didn't use the quote so goddamn much, I wouldn't have.

Other overused quotes:
  • "I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
  • "It's just a flesh wound."
  • "We are the knights who say... NI!"
  • "What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"


I'm going to conduct a test to see whether or not you're qualified to quote "Wedding Crashers".

Part 1: Do something that's as funny as this...

Oh, too bad. You already failed.

Other overused quotes:
  • "What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? You motorboatin' son of a bitch! You old sailor you!"
  • "I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!"
  • "Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!"
  • "Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal!"
  • "I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night."
  • "You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"

7. Anything with SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I think we can all agree, Samuel L. Jackson is the baddest motherfucker alive. His ability of taking an otherwise mundane sentence and injecting it with a level of such ferocity is incredible. And it's all thanks to two little words. If used incorrectly though, those two little words can be deadly to a movie buff's ears. They can turn something that was once completely badass into something that is, quite frankly, completely gay. This gayness stems from an inability to capture the awesomeness that is Sam "the mutha fuckin' man" Jackson. Think you're up to the task? You're not. Don't even bother trying. You'll just fail at it like you do everything else in life. Motherfucker.

Other overused quotes:
  • "Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN! I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker! Say what one more goddamn time!"
  • "English, MOTHERFUCKER! Do-you-speak it?"
  • "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
  • "AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes."
  • "Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker."
  • "Oh now that's low, even for a white motherfucker like you."


You know how I know you're gay? Because you won't stop quoting the same fucking joke over and over again.

Other overused quotes:
  • "She was a ho... for sho."
  • "AHHH, Kelly Clarkson!"
  • "You know how I know that you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, 'I love it when balls are in my face'."
  • "I'm starvin'... let's get some fuckin' french toast!"
  • "You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal."


"Great Poseidon's trident of racial injustice!"
"By the ball sweat of Hades' dank nether regions!"
"Holy man-dolphins of the Utah state tax commission!"

See? I can do it too. It's not that hard to come up with your own variations of Will Ferrell schtick. You just have to be as random as possible and end almost everything with an exclamation point.

For example, if you were at a party and the keg ran out, you could say (in the most Ferrell-like voice you have), "This alcoholic beverage has been a temptress to my taste buds, and now she's abandoned me for her brother-in-law like the pirate whore she is. Oh cruel irony! Why must you encompass my love in such rainbow-shaped bowls of heartache and frustration!?"

Or, you could choose not to look like a jackass. Just stop imitating him full stop. He may be funny when he does it, but you're not.

Other overused quotes:
  • "I'm in a glass case of emotion!"
  • "I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly..."
  • "You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair."
  • "It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way."
  • "I ate a big red candle!"
  • "I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party. The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with the pants."
  • "Loud noises!"
  • "I love lamp."


This one has been especially painful to endure, because finding ways to contribute "Yeah, baby!" to a conversation is quite possibly the easiest thing in the world. Thus, even the dumbest of the dumb were doing it. The context didn't even matter. If somebody said something you agreed with, a piss-poor imitation of Mike Myers would follow.

This was made even more popular because it allowed people to narrowly escape looking like a fool by changing an intelligent conversation into a "humorous" one. For example...

Smart Person #1: I find the latest news of this injustice egregiously underdeveloped.
Smart Person #2: Quite right. The esoteric nature of the crimes leads me to believe the government is creating a factually false pretense intended to elude the citizens.
Smart Person #1: How about you, what are your thoughts on the matter?
You: ...uhh... Yeah, baby, yeah!

This of course would then lead to outbursts of laughter from everyone around you, as the topic would quickly change into a discussion about your amazing comical prowess and undeniable wit. Success!

(Note: I apologize on behalf on my poorly constructed "smart person" talk. I just strung a bunch of words I looked up in the thesaurus together in hopes of forming something remotely intellectual-sounding. I don't even know if what I wrote makes any sense.)

Other overused quotes:
  • "Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?"
  • "I demand the sum of... ONE MILLION DOLLARS."
  • "Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?"
  • "Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!"
  • "Zip it!"
  • "Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby. Oh, aye, Baby: the other, other white meat. Baby: it's what's for dinner."
  • "I'm dead sexy."


Is your name Sacha Baron Cohen? No?

Other overused quotes:
  • "My name-a Borat. I like you. I like sex. Is nice!"
  • "I like to make sexy time!"
  • "This suit is NOT BLACK!"
  • "Do this have a pussy magnet?"
  • "What's up with it, vanilla face?"
  • "Gypsy! Give me your tears! If you will not give them to me, I will take them from you!"


This movie could've earned itself a nice little cult following among respectable movie buffs. Instead, thanks to Hot Topic and douchebag teeny boppers, it will forever be known as the film that led to countless beatings on the playgrounds against bandwagon hopping bitches who wore "Vote for Pedro" shirts and would never shut the fuck up about num-chucks and tater tots. If you were one of those kids, kindly fuck off. You're not allowed to read my blog anymore.

No seriously, go away.

Other overused quotes:
  • "You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills."
  • "Do the chickens have large talons?"
  • "Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day."
  • "A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?"
  • "A liger. It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed."
  • "I caught you a delicious bass."

1. 300

It was funny when the trailer came out. It was funny when the movie hit theaters. It was still pretty funny about a month after that. But for fuck's sake, it's been almost a year!


(...Don't you dare fucking say it... I will kill you.)

Other overused quotes:
  • "Tonight, we dine in hell!"
  • "Give them nothing! But take from them, everything!"